Timely advice


Well-known member
Aug 29, 2002
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We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day
now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making
two basic meteorological hints:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If
you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need
to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the
big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for
at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow
this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness


If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Illinois.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is
certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the
first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company
can drop you like used dental floss.


If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you
live in a low-lying area.


If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not
buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the
last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following
supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that
turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get
some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that
you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane,
but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate
the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash
or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a
generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the
situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters
in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over
and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.


Well-known member
Sep 19, 2001
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Just had my wife get the gas jugs and fill them up...very soon folks will be freaking out. And when they freak out they buy up all gas, propane, batteries, plywood, Tap-Con screws, tarps, generators, duct tape, water and anything else they think they need.

And when the next storm threatens they do it all over again. What they did with all the stuf they bought the last time is beyond me.



Well-known member
Sep 9, 2004
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I thought they renamed Florida to Floodida.


Well-known member
Dec 4, 2002
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With the latest Tropical Storm (Chris), and soon to be Hurricane, folks here are already making preliminary plans to leave or board up early. They dont want to see 4 million people converge onto the freeway at once like last year.


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